My father died 15 years ago today. I tossed and turned all last night. I thought I was over his death, but I guess one can't ever really be over losing one's parent. I think it's worse because we never really said goodbye, even though he was very sick. He kept the severity of his illness from me until there was no hope and then he was gone so quickly and I was left bitter and angry that the father I had just begun to get to know had been taken away from me.
In his Will he asked for his ashes to be scattered in the Pacific Ocean, the body of water he spent so much of his life on as a career Navy man. And I am still in possession of his ashes. They sit on my book case, overlooking our living room in a beautiful urn. My sons enjoy pointing the urn out to their buddies, "That's my grandpa," they say to first time guests. They like watching their friends eyes widen in fright or awe. I find comfort in knowing that he is with us. But, I have a growing sense of duty to let him go. Perhaps it's because the boys are growing up. Perhaps the hurt little girl in me has finally accepted that she will never really know her father.
For me today, it is like I'm losing him all over again.
Grizz
3 comments:
Grizz, very moving words about your father......Loss is such a sad and traumatic ordeal. You're right, we never really get over it. I don't think we can even begin to comprehend it most of the time. I feel for you when you say you weren't able to say Goodbye, I've had similar experiences. Maybe there's some solice in knowing that we all share the same feelings and we can empathize with one another. Thinking of you....
Thank you both. And I agree, I think empathy is our only solice; both feeling it and knowing others feel it.
Hey Grizz. I just read this and I'm really sorry I didn't read it the day you wrote it. My dad's birthday was May 5...he's been dead for 14 years. My grief for my dad sounds similar to yours. My dad and I did not get along....he was pretty abusive and many of the emotional bruises I've carried throughout my life were caused by him. So, the grief I feel is unlike the grief others feel about their dads....most people miss the dad they had....in my case, his death only made me realize that I will NEVER have the dad I always wished I had....and that's a loss for me, for sure.
I hope you are feeling better, both physically and emotionally, very soon. Love ya, kiddo.
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